Parents Baffled by Teens’ Therapy Speak Like “Triggering,” Experts Urge Listening
Parents in the UK and US say teenagers now use words like triggering and gaslighting in everyday arguments. Psychiatrists and a psychotherapist explain why the language spreads, what risks it carries and how parents can respond without making things worse.
Parents in the UK and US who hear "You're triggering me!" at home are struggling to understand their teenagers' therapy speak, and mental health experts say listening matters more than correcting the words.
Carla Hoskins, 39, from Hertfordshire, hears it from her sons, aged 15 and 18. She says it often comes when she asks them to revise or do chores.
Shannon Salvatoriello, a mother of four from New Jersey, describes similar scenes with her sons, aged 14 and 17. The language leaves her "feeling very confused".
Where the words come from
Hoskins, a mother of six, says her eldest sons sometimes accuse her of gaslighting, particularly when she asks about friends or schoolwork. She had never heard the terms before her sons started using them. She assumes they picked them up on social media.
"I feel like any time you challenge them or request something is when you come up against this new language," she says.
She would prefer plainer words. "Rather than just saying, 'Mum, I'm stressed about my exams' or 'I've got a lot on my plate', it's I'm triggering them." The result, she says: "You can't really ever get to the bottom of anything."
Dr Suzanne Garfinkle-Crowell, a New York psychiatrist, agrees social media is one route by which therapy speak reaches everyday talk. Teenagers look there as they try to make sense of themselves and the world, she says.
From feelings to labels
Garfinkle-Crowell says young people have moved from describing feelings to attaching labels to them. In a radio interview, she described the change.
"They would say, 'I'm not getting along with my mum'... 'School has gotten really challenging and I'm feeling kind of bad about myself', and then suddenly it was, 'I have attachment issues, ADHD, and depression'."
She says parents should not hesitate to consult a mental health professional if a child describes symptoms of a medical condition such as anxiety disorder or depression.
She also asks parents to consider why the language appeals. Many young people, girls in particular, often feel their parents and society do not take them seriously. "The only way to feel heard is to reach for this elevated medical language," she says.
Prof Peter Fonagy, who leads an independent review into youth mental health, said in September it was "harder to be young" now. He pointed to a real rise in mental distress among young people, linked to the economic and employment uncertainty their generation faces.
The risk of overusing medical terms
Julia Samuel, a psychotherapist from London, sounds a warning. Using terms such as anxiety disorder for "normal feelings like mild distress" can create a pattern of behavior and emotions that leads to a real disorder, she says.
"It can give them the very thing they don't want," she says. "It's the lack of knowledge and the overuse of the terms that can actually harm young people."
What parents can try
Samuel says "listening is your biggest tool to bridge the divide". She suggests using "ordinary emotional language to reflect back" what a teenager says, so parents can grasp what they are feeling.
Garfinkle-Crowell offers a similar technique. Parents can think of the words they would associate with the term their child uses, then offer one back.
"You may try offering [something] like, 'That sounds like it could be really lonely for you. Is that part of it?'" she says. The aim, in her words, is to consider the teenager's experience, and by not overreacting or under-reacting, "you're just being present".
